mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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