I wanna passion pit in your ass
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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