How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
