she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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