Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
