Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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