If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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