why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
