I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My penis needs a shock collar
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Randomize
