he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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