my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
