My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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