I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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