I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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