i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
