the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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