just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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