If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
