I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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