your parents love me but you hate me
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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