My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
