there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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