The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
