I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
