Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
