I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
