Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
