PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
