Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
