She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
