All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i already hear my dad disowning me
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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