found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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