if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
this is an emotional support booty call
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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