Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
