apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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