Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
