Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
