I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
