someone get that fucking seahorse.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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