Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
