My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
