Where are you?
In a non slutty way
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
