I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
