farters have to be the big spoon...
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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