so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
