I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
