Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i drank out of a bidet.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
And then my night got REAL pukey
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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