so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
