just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i drank out of a bidet.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
