the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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