Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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